co-parenting + custody

and

high conflict divorce

Co-Parenting and Custody

Getting through the divorce is stressful but the aftermath can be even more challenging. You may still share responsibilities as it pertains to your child(ren) with your ex-spouse in the form of custody.

One of the most important decisions in divorce is determining who your child(ren) will live with and who gets to make decisions on their behalf. This is called a parenting plan. If negotiating with your ex on custody is not possible then a judge will determine the “best interest” of the child(ren) and  decide for you of which may not give you the outcome you desire.

If you can not agree on custody, the next step could be what’s called a custody evaluation through mediation where a trained mental health professional does an assessment and makes a recommendation on custody.

The court will be impartial or not show favor to one parent over the other, except where abuse or neglect may be involved.

If possible you may want to try to negotiate. It could be worth it as this decision will impact both you and your child(rens) lives for a long time to come.

CUSTODY

There are 2 types of custody (aka conservatorship depending on the state):

  1. physical

  2. legal

Physical custody. This type of custody involves what physical percentage of time your child(ren) will spend with each parent.

Legal custody. This type of custody involves giving a parent legal control in making important decisions such as medical care, where they attend school, etc..

CUSTODY ARRANGEMENTS

There is a “sub-category” to custody in what’s called custody arrangements. There are 3 different types:

  1. sole custody

  2. primary custody with visitation rights

  3. joint custody

Sole custody. This arrangement means that your child(ren) lives with only one parent (the custodial parent) full-time and that parent retains physical custody while the other parent (non-custodial parent) will have very limited or no access.

When a parent has sole physical custody they may also have sole legal custody which means that one parent may have been deemed “unfit” and the other parent will have total control over the decisions pertaining to the child(ren).

Primary custody with visitation rights. This arrangement means your child(ren) live with one parent full-time but visits the other parent on a scheduled basis. Ex. alternating weekends or holidays etc…

Joint Custody. This arrangement could mean both parents share in the custody equally 50/50. The parents determine the terms or routine. Ex. alternating weeks, pick-up in the mornings for school Monday - Thursday or after school, every weekend, etc…the possibilities are endless.

For more info on custody check out the following:

  • FORBES - Child Custody: Types, Laws & Parental Rights
    Includes additional info on visitation rights (supervised vs unsupervised), grandparents rights, and modification of custody)

  • SURVIVE DIVORCE - The different types of Child Custody and What They Mean

  • ELLE - article by Emma Johnson (Wealthy Single Mommy) about her views, research on unequal unfair parenting as it pertains to single mothers, custody, and co-parenting

Read 7 WAYS TO LOSE CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD: MOMS AND DADS by Custody X Change.

Are you co-parenting with a NARCISSIST?

Challenges in a marriage may come down to many things such as clashes with personality, values, money etc…But if you clashed with a self-absorbed spouse chances are you may have been dealing with a narcissist.

What is a narcissist?

Could you have been dealing with one and had no clue?

A narcissist by definition is a person who shows extreme love and infatuation with themselves. This is a very real aspect of co - parenting that many are not aware of.

There is a mental health condition called Narcissistic personality disorder in which a person obsessivly cares for their own well-being over anything else and has the utmost self importance.

PARENTS has an article titled 6 Signs Your Co - Parenting with a Narcissist and How To Cope

  • PSYCHOLOGY TODAY - Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: The Impossible Dream

  • PSYCH CENTRAL - How to Co-Parent with Someone with Narcissistic Traits: 5 Tips

MAYO CLINIC has more in-depth info on the condition.

Now you can’t diagnose anybody lol. They would have to be professionally diagnosed but you definitely can educate yourself on Narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders.


HIGH Conflict divorce

High conflict divorce???…What is that???? Sooo divorce is already stressful, right? The MONEY involved, the preparation, the collection of personal documents, the paperwork, the signatures, the questions, the summons, court dates (if applicable), the TIME and on and on and on…(whew…deep sigh)

Now imagine alll of that with added extra layers of resistance at every turn, gaslighting and the very person who may be intentionally inflicting this just making a muddy muddy murky mess. Grrr! That’s high conflict.

The involvement of persistent hostility, manipulation, control, or abuse of the legal system = high conflict.

This can include the Narcissistic or abusive ex partner, parenting conflicts, false accusations etc…it’s unfortunately a very real reality for many. So how might one move around this heavy emotional and energy draining wall?

The answer is your parenting plan. Your parenting plan is ESSENTIAL in laying out all the details as it pertains your child(ren):

  1. holidays

  2. birthdays

  3. summer

  4. extracurricular activities

  5. and MORE

Your parenting plan is the outline of how you will share responsibilities and make decisions. Your arrangements must be extra detailed. Just when you’ve think you’ve covered everything add extra as if over communicating and being so thorough the judge may think of you as a scholar!

Understanding your legal rights and obligations around custody is crucial.

Know Your State’s Custody Rules

Check Your Standard Possession Order (SPO), although this maybe called something different in your state.

Each U.S. state has default custody schedules written into law, often called a Standard Possession Order (SPO) or default parenting plan.

A SPO outlines:

  • Who has the child(ren) on weekdays, weekends, holidays, and summer

  • Pickup/drop-off times and locations

  • Phone/video call expectations

  • Travel rules (in-state or out-of-state)

  • School breaks and special occasions (e.g., birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day)

  • and MORE

For more on parenting plans you can consult with a divorce coach or your attorney. Keep in mind some attorneys may not be as thorough as you would like so make sure you do your due diligence in laying out what you want and/or think is “fair” or in the best interest of your child(ren).

Contact us for more info on High Conflict Divorce.

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